I need more pictures

 I love this picture.  I don't have any memory at all of our accident.  I don't really even remember that morning before the accident happened.  It's funny to me what your brain can block.  I was so confused when I woke up in the hospital.  I hurt alot.  I didn't understand why I was there.  I thought I was dreaming - for days. I kept thinking I would wake up and tell Barry, "I just had the realest craziest dream ever."  But that still hasn't happened.  I love the first picture of us - not because either of us look great (I look terrible) but because of the feeling behind it.  I apparently (foggy memory for all of ICU) did not believe nurses, doctors, or friends, or family members that Barry was ok.  I needed to see him.  Having him come in the room made such a difference to me.  He was like the best antianxiety medicine in the whole world.  I have known for a long time that I am in love with Barry Layne Holman - but that feeling was so real at the hospital.  I loved him so much.  I needed his presence.  There were multiple times that him being in my room was the only way I could sleep.  I felt so bad that he would have to come out of his room to see me I knew that moving was painful for him but it was so good when he was with me.  Also I apparently (again no memory!) told EVERYONE who came into my room those first few days that I wanted to have his child.  That truly has been my hearts desire for a long time.  Lately however I feel very at peace with the family that we have. I am so blessed to still have them and have earthly experiences. 

I very possibly could be wrong about this but I believe this picture was taken after we were out of ICU and just before Barry had his final surgery.  I had just come from my own final surgery (my  broken pelvis) and the only one I remember at all.  I was so happy  to see him.  They only let him stay for about an hour before they had to take him to surgery.  They tell me that I cried and cried when he left.  The nurses felt so bad for us that they changed our rooms and let us be across the hall from each other so we could see the other.  That helped so much.  I can tell you that I did NOT like it when they closed his door. 

This isn't much of an update or the even close to being the whole story and i keep thinking I should work on writing about it before I forget things and even the part i don't remember!  I do know that I am so thankful to be alive today.  So thankful that I was privledged to keep my husband and be here for my children's earthly experiences.

I really don't have any more pictures then this - if any of you happen to have some please share them with us!  We would love to have more visible memories. 

I know I know I need to do an update - its coming I promise I just have to find some time.

Happy Birthday Rachel

It is truly amazing how fast a decade can go. Ten years ago this morning my sweet Rachel Linda Rice joined our family. She arrived to a very chaotic world - the day after the devastating 9-11 attacks on our country. I think her little soul must have been in turmoil too and in a great hurry to get to this earth because she came almost 4 weeks early. She made a grand entrance by trying to come out one foot first and then having a cord prolapse. She arrived via an emergency c-section - the fastest one on record for the hospital at that date. She spent a week in the NICU learning how to suck, swallow, and breathe at the same time. She also had chemical pneumonia from inhaling amniotic fluid during her traumatic birth. She was 6#7oz and 18 inches long - not to big and she has remained tiny at her 10 year well check she finally made it to 50# and is 491/2 inches tall. She still doesn't make it on the growth chart but is following her own little pattern. She she doesn't have in size she makes up for in heart - Rachel truly is one of the sweetest little girls I have ever known. She has loved animals I think since the day she was born and plans on being a veterinarian when she grows up. She is kind to everyone and doesn't have just one set of friends - her teachers have always complimented her on the fact that she will play with everyone. I think Kerri is her very best friend and I hope it stays that way forever and ever. I love this little girl very much and am so glad that she is my daughter - I feel honored to be her mother and hope she always knows how very much she is loved- love you Rachel Linda Rice!!

Cute Hair for a New School Year

This week we went to Evans hair school (because Ashley is a student there) to have hair do's for school. Cassidy has been dying to get her hair dyed! So she got a cute color and new style - she looks so amazing and so grown up - people keep telling her she looks like me and I take it as a compliment! Ammon also got his hair colored - it was a good trade off because he was willing to get a nice cut and style - he looks so handsome- Can you believe he is almost as tall as me? Rachel got small trim - she loves having long hair - and a feather extension. She is thinking she would like a perm too so we might just go back next week. Kerri got the cutest little perm you ever saw - I love it!

Learning to be Grateful

I am constantly amazed at the difficulties that we are asked to pass through. I see it everyday in my role as a nurse. So many people suffer things everyday. I have been blessed (or cursed) with a soft heart and I have a tendency to get attached to my patients. I have become friends with many of them and some I was friends with before they became my patient. Last week I had an experience I will never forget - although I wish I could. A good friend of mine (who also happens to be my patient) came into the office last week for a routine 34 week OB check. Up till then everything had been very good. At this appointment we discovered that her baby had passed away sometime the week before. I knew that when I became a nurse I would see sad things - I knew that I would have to be professional about it. I couldn't help but cry - in fact I excused myself for a few moments to try and gain some composure so that I might be some help to them. This person has such amazing faith and is dealing with this sad situation so well. She may not like Heavenly Fathers plan but she is accepting it. I have another patient whom I did not know before I came to work here. I have a soft spot for sweet little old men and they get wrapped into my heart pretty easily. This guy is kind of gruff and not always soft spoken. He can be pretty mean if you take what he says to heart. But its all surface - underneath he is just a big sweetheart and gives me a hug whenever he comes in- which won't be too often now - he is dying. I will miss him and its sad to see his family suffer with him until his time comes. I have another patient who had a baby a few months ago and would sometimes seem sad when she came into the office. A few weeks ago she came in for her 6 week check and at some point in the visit she broke down and admitted that her husband had cheated on her several times during her pregnancy. I was asked to visit with her and help in anyway I could - she was heartbroken and felt sure that she wasn't good enough and never would be. My heart broke for her. I have another paitent who in the space of a year lost two babies at around 22 weeks. She then adopted a sweet little girl and is expecting another son in about a month. She gets a sister for her little girl anyday now. We have sorrowed with her and also shared in her joy as God's plan isn't always a trial to endure. We have a sweet sweet little boy who is about 2 years old but the size of most 5 year olds. He loves me! He runs to me with open arms and I love him. We have a sweet little old lady who cusses up a storm and thinks nothing of calling me a "dumbass" and in the same sentence tells me how much she loves me and how glad she is that I am here. She probably won't be around much longer and the world will be a sadder place without her. When my friends baby died last week there was nothing I could do or say that would fix it but I sat by her as her husband held her while she cried and I think this is what it means when we promise to help carry each others burdens. We can't take them - we can't fix it for them - but we can be there and listen. I love my job - on so many levels. I love my patients, so many of them have changed my life for the better and make me want to be a better person and rise to their expectations. I love what I learn here - I am learning to be grateful for my trials, and if I can't be grateful quite yet to at least be willing to accept what might just be God's will for my life and be grateful for the trials that I don't have.