Thursday, July 26, 2012

Happy 5th Wedding Day!

Barry and I celebrated our 5th anniversary this past weekend.  It was so fun.  Honestly I can't believe we've been married for 5 years already.  Well let me rephrase that some days it seems like we've been married forever and other days it seems like hardly any time at all.  I've been thinking lately about our dating and engagement.  It was so easy to fall in love with him.  That first night we met it was so interesting to visit with him and see him as a dad.  I loved talking with him that night - we talked about so many things.  We sat and visited thru like 2 movies and I didn't end up going home until like 1am.  When Barry walked me out to my minivan we talked thru the window for like 20 more minutes - I hate to admit it but I really wanted him to kiss me!  I went home that night and prayed that if nothing was going to come of our meeting then i didn't want him to call me again.  I was happily surprised when he called me the  very next day!  I had not yet introduced anyone that I had dated to my children and only dated when the were with their dad for the weekend.  Barry wanted to come over that evening and I hesitated because my kids had come home - he reminded me that I had already met his children - so I welcomed him into my home.  I loved watching him with my kids.  That evening as I walked him to his car he turned and gave me the quickest kiss I have ever received and literally ran to his car.  Our sweet little neighbor grandma was outside of her apartment and she laughingly asked if that "young man and just kissed me" - I told her yes I thought he had.  The next day he came to see me at school to eat lunch with me.  I was taking a math class at the time and several people in our class just happened to wander by so they could see this guy I had been out with.  I had no idea till months later how much sleep he lost those first few weeks when he was working nights and trying to find time together.  I think we found at least a few moments everyday for a long time.  I loved that he wanted to see me as much as I wanted to see him. 
I was a student and was stressed over trying to keep up with homework  and he was so supportive of me.  He made me feel smart and capable and I appreciated that so much.  It was so nice it made such a difference in my confidence level.  I'm not sure I could have done it without him and his encouragement. 
I remember the first time he came to church with me.  He had suggested a couple of times that he might just show up one day. So the kids and I were sitting in Sacrament Meeting and I looked up to see this good-looking guy looking at me from the end of the bench - he had on a black leather jacket and I melted clear to my toes - he was so cute!  I loved being his girlfriend - I loved being his fiance and I love love love being his wife!  He makes me happy and I love spending time with him - whether it be out on a date, sitting by his side at church, spending time with our multiple children, or just snuggling on the couch watching "Lost" - I love this man with all my heart and can't wait for the next 5, 10, 50 years and all eternity.  I am excited for what our future holds and am anxious to find out what the Lord's plan for us is.  I love you Barry Holman!

July 21st 2007

Our crazy family

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Thoughts, ponderings, questions,...

     I often wonder if I am doing what my Father in Heaven would like me to be doing.  I have learned and had to relearn that when my will is aligned with His will then things go better in my life.  That doesn't mean that life is easy or perfect when that happens it just seems that even when challenges come it is easier to deal with them.  The last few years when my kids get home from visiting their dad it seems they always have something to tell me that I struggle to know how to deal with.  A couple years ago it was Cassidy telling us that her dad told her she shouldn't get married in the temple and that having a goal to marry a return missionary is not good because it narrows her options too much.  For me that was difficult to respond to for several reasons. (and maybe herein lies my problem - perhaps I over think everything)  My first reaction was to just be irritated or even angry but you have to be careful how you react especially with teens and preteens so that they will be willing to ask the next time they have a question.  Also with divorce situations you are not supposed to "talk bad or negatively" about the other parent (man thats hard sometimes!).  Anyhow - one of Cassidy's questions at that time was "why" would her dad say something like that.  My answer to this was the only thing I could imagine and that if things continue how they are going her dad will not be able to be in attendance at the temple when she goes.  For me this was the only logical answer I could come up with - still not an acceptable comment in my opinion but that's not the point.  We also talked to her about her goal of marrying a return missionary - which in my opinion is a good one.   However we told her she shouldn't rule out someone who for one reason or another has not served a mission.  We talked to her about looking at the whole person and making an overall judgement after all serving a mission does not automatically make one a good husband and not serving does not equal a bad man.  We talked about looking at things like how he treats his mother and other women in his life, looking at his goals for the future, how he reacts to stressful situations, is he honest, does he honor his priesthood and other questions.  Hopefully when the time comes for Cass to get married she will look at the examples around her (both good and bad) and make a good choice for her future mate.  I am more amazed all the time at what an important and life altering decision that choice is. 
     Back to my current dilemma however.  This time on the way home Ammon was telling us that his dad told him it was ok to drink "a little" alcohol as long as you are responsible about it.  He said Jerry told him there isn't anything wrong with drinking as long as you don't drink too much.  Honestly it is so hard when stuff like this happens because for just a minute you just want to scream.  It's not that I never imagined I wouldn't have to deal with questions about the word of wisdom or the church being true I just never really thought the seeds of doubt would be planted by their father.  Barry and I talked  to him about how "just a little" can still be a bad thing - like you wouldn't want to drink a glass of water with "just a little" urine mixed in.  I'm sure in the beginning we sort of jumped on his case "just a little"!  Poor kid he was just asking or telling or something like that.  We talked to him about the word of wisdom and the promises that go along with it.  We told him that the lady that hit us had just "a little" alcohol in her system when she was tested.  Its true that she probably had quite a bit more at the time of the accident but even that little bit clouded her judgement. 
     It was a hard conversation to have with at 13 year old.  Especially because he has done nothing wrong.  I get so afraid sometimes.  Afraid of what the future holds.  I don't know how to deal with stuff like this.  I have considered talking to Jerry's mom and dad and maybe get some backup that way.  Not that I want them to talk to him - that won't do any good but just some support to let the kids know that this isn't just their mom - its also how their dad was raised.  I was reading in the Book of Mormon on the way home from Albuquerque in Alma chapter 24 and verse 30 jumped out at me.  (go ahead and say it I might just be the most judgemental person alive)
"And thus we can plainly discern, that after a people have been once enlightened by the Spirit of God, and have had great knowledge of things pertaining to righteousness, and then fallen away into sin and transgression, they become more hardened, and thus their state becomes worse than though they had never known these things."
I don't know how to bear testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel to my children and not appear to be trashing their dad.  When they are in Texas they go to church with Jerry and his wife Jamaica - they go to a christian church - very similar from what I can gather to the Calvary Chapel in Idaho Falls.  It is a good christian religion but are also quite anti-Mormon.  When the kids go there they hear good christian beliefs and also things that aren't true that go against the teachings of our church.  I struggle on some level because its not like I just decided one day to live this life and stand in condemnation of a life we lived.  This is the life we were supposed to teach our children together.  This is the life that Jerry was raised with.  This is the life that all the rest of his family leads.  This is the right way to live.  I have a strong and powerful testimony of the truthfulness of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  I have had experiences that have taught me beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is true.  Does that mean I don't have questions about life is sometimes the way it is? No Does it mean that I struggle to understand certain aspects of the Gospel that are way over my head? No Does it mean that i don't struggle and ask God for answers? No But I do know that the truths taught in the scriptures including the Book of Mormon are true.  I know that I get closer to my Heavenly Father by reading its words and i know it is true scripture.  I feel like the Book of Mormon is a part of me - a friend that I can turn to in all things.  I know that we are not supposed to judge.  I don't know how to deal with my ex-husband and the things that he teaches our children in his home.  I can't talk to him about it - I have been there and done that and it does no good - makes it worse in fact.  I don't know who to talk to about this.  Barry and I have gone round and round and still don't know the best thing to do.  I want to be a good example to my children.  I want them to grow up with strong testimonies and a desire to be happy.  I know that following the principles of the Gospel does not guarantee that we won't have trials or difficulties in life.  But I also know that they will make life better.  I was listening to a talk recently and it talked about how the end has already been decided.  Christ will reign and Satan will be defeated and bound for eternity.  The only thing that hasn't been decided is where we will be individually.  Whose side will we chose?  Satan knows that he canno win in the end but he also knows that he can take as many of us down with him as we allow.  I don't want what he offers.  I know which side I am choosing.  And yet is seems that little things get in the way and I don't know how to keep it from happening.  I have such angry feelings towards my ex-husband.  I have worked on this a great deal.  I have turned things over to the Lord on multiple occasions.  And I suppose this is what I need to do again.  I cannot control what happens in his home.  I cannot control what my children are exposed to - I can ask their Father in Heaven to watch over them and protect them at all times.  I can ask for His help everyday to  be the best parent I can be.  I can ask Him to tell me the words that I should say to my children.  I can ask Him to send peace and comfort to my soul.  Can I ask Him to convince Jerry of the error of his ways?  I don't know the answer to that.  Sometimes I just have to talk my way thru things and sometimes that means talking to myself - I doubt any of this even makes sense to anybody else.  But somehow I do feel better having talked thru it a little. 

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Engagement Pictures/Now

I was playing on the computer tonight and found these pictures from our engagement 5 years ago.  It is amazing how much our kids have changed!

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Court Date - Finally

    Monday was a very emotionally exhausting day.  We have been anticipating this day since the accident - and it has been rescheduled several different times.  We went to court in Rigby so the woman who hit us could be sentenced.  We had not seen her before then and it was kind of odd - you know how you picture someone in your mind and when you meet them in person it is usually not quite the same.  For some reason I had pictured her with blonde hair but it is really quite dark.  She had a look about her that said her life has not been an easy one.  She looked very tired.  Her story was changed from what we heard at the hospital.  Back in November we were told that she was going home from work after working all night.  They said that was why she was confused and got on the wrong side of the freeway.  Yesterday they said she was actually heading to her job, a new one in Rigby and she was unfamiliar with the area.  She missed the exit she was supposed to take so she took the next one to get back on the freeway.  They said it was very dark and the signs getting back to the highway were very very confusing.  They said she though highway 20 was a 2 lane highway.  The state attorney pretty much laughed at her.  The brought up the fact that highway 20 has been a 4 lane divided highway for the last 30 years and that she is from Idaho Falls - and the at she had just driven from Idaho Falls to Rigby and turned around and got back on the same highway she had just driven on.  The judge didn't believe her story either but his hands were tied because of what the charge was.  Our lawyer did bring up the fact that there was alcohol in her blood stream - not enough to be over the legal limit but enough so that it could have been a factor in the accident.  He also brought up that the blood test was done hours after the accident and implied that if it had been done at the scene of the accident she most likely would have been facing DUI charges.  Ultimately she plead guilty to inattentive driving.  As the judge was sentencing her he said that if she was confused when she got back on the road - and he wasn't sure that was the case - but if it was - any reasonable person would have realized they were going the wrong way. She was given 12 months of formal probation and 12 months of license suspension (although she can drive her kids to work and doctor stuff).  She also got the maxium fine for an inattentive driving charge of $300 plus court costs.   He then apologized to us saying that no matter what he did it wouldn't make our lives better - he said he wished he could rewind time and have it not happen at all.  He said he hoped there would be something good come from it eventually.  I hope so too.
     We were given the chance to talk at the trial - and tell how her actions have impacted our life.  Barry voted for me to be the one to do that.  We worked together to write it.  It was hard to read and keep my emotions under control - I was glad we had typed it up so I could just read it.  I also read it a couple of times out loud to Barry before we went - so that helped alot to be able to sound at least a little professional.  I will try to attach that those who would like to can read it  - and so others don't have to!   
     I have thought alot about Rebecca Weaver.  Not all of them have been kind or nice.  But the last few days I have been thinking about it from what her family's perspective might be.  I am sure her 3 teenage boys have been praying just as hard for the judge to have mercy on their mom as our family has been praying for things to go well for us.  When the judge said that nothing he could say or do would change things for us he was telling the truth.  If she was sent to jail or given the responsibility of all our bills it wouldn't change the way things are.  It wouldn't make the pain go away and it would probably cause great heartache for her family - probably worse emotional pain because it would be out of fear and sadness for their mom.  I am grateful for the blessing of being on the accident end of the accident - it would be harder to have been the one who caused it.