Monday, September 12, 2011
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Friday, August 12, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Anyway - so I was going about minding my own business - happy for the most part with were I was at. I began having spiritual promptings that I had a strong spirit who wanted to join our family. I felt very strongly that his name was to be Ammon and he was ready. I almost laughed to myself and thought - but I already have a baby. We didn't think we were ready for another one - yet. But the same thought came a couple or times - my son was ready to come to earth - he was a strong spirit who had alot to accomplish and he was ready to get started.
A few weeks later a bout of flu hit our ward. Everyone was sick - but then they got better - and I didn't. I was still sick everyday and so so tired. I was still nursing Cassidy since she was only about 9 months old and I still hadn't had a period since she was born. I finally told Jerry that I either needed to go to the doctor because there was something wrong with me or I was pregnant. The next morning I took a test and there was that little pink line before it even got to the top. Early the next week I went to the doctor and they did an ultrasound since I didn't have any dates to track the due date with. They said I was about 12 weeks along and that I was due July 21st. I knew in my heart that this was my son.
Ammon's pregnancy wasn't a difficult one as far as pregnancies go - I was in a car accident a few weeks after our first appointment and a part of the placenta detached from the wall of the uterus. They were concerned that I would lose him - somehow I knew that I wouldn't - but I had an ultrasound each visit after that. It was fun to see him grow so much between appointments and I was not one bit surprised when they told me we would be having a boy.
We moved from Layton to Sugar City when I was about 37 weeks pregnant and so my doctor decided to induce me so that I wouldn't be making the drive while in labor. Early in the morning of July 12th my little sister Mary and I drove down to Layton. His dad who was working out of town flew in to meet us at the hospital. They started my induction about 8am in and Ammon made his entrance early in the afternoon. With Cassidy I was too afraid of needles to get an epidural but decided to chance it with Ammon. It was amazing! I laughed the whole time I was delivering him. The doctor laughed and said push or laugh its all the same to me. I only had to push through 3 contractions (instead of the 1 1/2 hours with Cass). Ammon was so alert when he was born and so so cute. Even in the delivery room you could see his dimples and the nurses just oohed and awwed over him. They laughed about him being a "real man" when he insisted on being nursed for about 1/2 and hour right then and there. He would just look at you with those big dark eyes - it was already pretty apparent that they would be brown. I thought he looked just like my dad or my brother Charlie. And he was Ammon right from the start. With Cassidy and the other girls after we called them "the baby" for several weeks - "the baby is hungry, the baby is so cute, look how sweet the baby is while she is sleeping" - but with Ammon he was just Ammon from day 1.
At the end of the day after Jerry had left to get some sleep and Mary had fallen asleep on the couch I remember - as if it was just yesterday - late in the night after waking up to nurse him. I was sitting in my hospital bed holding this little man and just admiring him. He was quite awake and looking at me as if he could hear all my thoughts. Again I felt his spirit - so strong. I could almost feel a little frustration on his part of being such a big spirit stuffed in a tiny little body. As I looked at him I could feel his desire to serve a mission and hold the priesthood. I have always always loved the priesthood and been so thankful that our loving Heavenly Father allows His power to be used here on earth. And I could tell that my little son had so so much to do here. I have been waiting (anxiously) for this little boy of mine to be 12 and recieve the priesthood ever since. When he was a little boy (2 & 3) he would ask "how much longer till I'm a grownup?" He has always been such a sweet boy - always with a hug for his momma. I love him so so very much. There is something about his spirit that speaks to mine and although I love having him young and feel like he is growing up way to fast - I am also excited to see what happens as he grows. He is my Ammon - It was so great to see hands laid upon his head and Sunday and the power of the priesthood bestowed upon him. Next week he will pass the sacrament for the first time. I get a little thrill in my heart everytime I see our Hayden passing and it will be great to see Ammon up there in his white shirt and tie. It's always amazing to have a dream come true - thank you Ammon for helping me with mine! I love you!
I promise to add pictures soon!
Monday, August 8, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
I'm sure you have all heard the poem about the man walking along the beach with the Lord looking at his life and at some point he notices that there are only one set of footprints during the hardest parts of his life. He asks God why this is and wonders why God would have left him alone when he was struggling the hardest. God answers that there are only one set of footprints not because he has been left along but because these were the times when God carried him.
I have always loved this story. I have known times in my life (like everyone else) when I knew without a doubt that I was being carried. Sometimes these times are easier to see with time - looking back you can see more clearly the help you received. The past few weeks have been some of the hardest in my life. I want to thank those who have prayed and fasted for our family. I have felt my burdens lifted. They are still heavy but I am bearing them. I have also come to realize - through the stories of others (thank you Bryce Holman for your mission story!and many others such as my patients whose lives are amazing) that the impossible can happen and just because we don't understand how it can happen that it will. My favorite scripture is still the one listed on our blog - With God nothing is impossible - it is true and I am relying heavily on that promise.
For those of you who may not know what is going on - just know that divorce -even when necessary- often come back to bite especially when you have kids. I don't think there is a limit on how many prayers you are allowed in your favor so I welcome all prayers that God's will will be done and that I can accept it whatever it may be. The following are some quotes that I have heard recently that give me hope!
- Elder Orson F Whitney - "No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, build up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable...and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil, and tribulation, that we gain the education we came here to acquire"
- Elder David A Bednar - "You and I cannot control the intentions or behavior of other people. However we do determine how we will act."
- Elder Richard G Scott: "Keep perspective. When you have done all that you can reasonably do, rest the burden in the hands of the Lord and worry no more. The Lord opens doors of opportunity and provides the strength each of us needs at difficult times in our life. He entreats us to love his Son that we may be comforted and strengthened."
- Elder Lionel Kendrick - "We cannot always control everything that happens to us in this life, but we can control how we respond. When we place blame for our actions on others or circumstances that we find ourselves in, we can never gain the strength to change."
- Author unknown - "God can heal a broken hear, but you have to give Him all the pieces."
- Elder Jeffrey R Holland - "Christ is saying to us 'If you will follow me, I will lead you out of darkness..I will give you answers to your prayers. I will give you rest to your souls' My beloved friends, I know of no other way for us to succeed or to be safe amid life's many pitfalls and problems."
- Elder David A Bednar - "There is no physical pain, no anguish of soul, no suffering of spirit, no infirmity or weakness that you or I ever experience during our mortal journey that the Savior did not experience first. you and I in a moment of weakness may cry out, 'No one understands. No one knows' But the Son of God perfectly knows and understand, for He felt and bore our burdens before we ever did. And because He paid the ultimate price and bore that burden, He has perfect empathy and can extend to us His arm of mercy in so many phases of our life. He can reach out, touch and succor --literally run to us-- and strengthen us to be more than we could ever be and help us to do that which we could never do through relying only upon our own power."
- Elder Dieter F Uchtdorf - "Hope encourages and inspires us to place our trust in the loving care of an eternal Heavenly Father. Hope is not knowledge but rather the abiding trust that the Lord will fulfill His promise to us. It is believing and expecting that our prayers will be answered. With hope we can have patience, and bear our afflictions. The things we hope in sustain us during our daily walk. They uphold us through trials, temptations, and sorrow."
- Elder Joseph R Holland - "I promise you He is not going to turn His back on us now. When He says to the poor in Sprite, 'come unto me' He means He knows the way out and He knows the way up. He knows it because He has walked it. He knows the way because He is the way. He is saying to us, 'Trust me, learn of me, do what I do. I will lead you our of darkness; I will give you answers to your prayers. I will give you rest to your souls.'"
Monday, June 20, 2011
Ok here comes the other side - the life isn't quite perfect side. I have a firm belief that life is not supposed to be easy - that isn't what we came to this earth for. However I can't believe how frustrating it can be sometimes. I have been working at having faith recently. Working on a daily basis to apply the faith that I know my heart has and become willing to have my will be His will. To want what it is that God wants for me in my life and to believe with all my heart that it is the best. I do have a testimony of this. A strong and powerful testimony - so why do I waver? For the past 5-6 years this testimony has grown my leaps and bounds as I have seen the power of trusting God in my life. There have been so many times in my life that it is almost unbelievable how much I have been blessed. There have been times where I have felt like Ammon, Alma, and the other sons of Mosiah when I am "carried away" in the boasting of my Father in Heaven and in His power.
So then my question becomes - why - why do I still struggle with having faith in the Lord's plan. I know that He loves me - I know that He loves my children - even more then I do. I believe, trust, and have faith in that He knows what I need and has the power to create whatever that is in my life. Right now I have truly entrusted my children to His care. Sending them to Texas is so difficult for me. But this year (due to many circumstances beyond my control) it was especially difficult. It is hard when the Spirit directs you to do something that so many others are telling you is a bad idea. I'll be honest there are moments in life where I really haven't liked what the Lord's will was for me. There are times when I question where His plan is leading me. But as I look back over my life I see that no matter how hard - it is always worth it in the end - to follow His lead. So right now I am trying to do that - clinging to that rod of iron with all that I have - praying that the winds and chaffs that Satan sends my way will not blow me off course.
Heavenly Father does answer prayers.
Last weekend when my children were picked up Saturday afternoon to go to Texas was, like I have mentioned, particularly difficult for me. Whenever we stay with Bryan and Romina (Barry's brother) we go to church with them. They attend a spanish ward and so it is sometimes difficult because I can't understand what is being said. That Sunday morning as I knelt by my bed I reminded the Lord that it had been a hard weekend for me and I asked Him to touch my heart that I might be able to understand what was being said and that I would hear a message of comfort. Imagine my wonderful surprise when they announced in Sacrament Meeting that for the first time they had translation capability and they passed out headphones so that we could understand the talks! Wow! Each talk given was wonderful but the last given my a young missionary touched my soul. He talked of being born in Mexico but moving to Layton Utah as a young man. He talked of his long desire to serve a mission. He expressed his surprise, frustration, and disappointment that came with his call to Provo Utah just miles from his home. He talked of the difficulty of not only accepting but embracing God will and being willing to carry that out. He then expressed the that his mission had been in his life. He talked about how it the scriptures we are told that it is not God's plan but man's that is frustrated. I felt his words in my heart as much as I heard them in my ears. I knew the Lord was using him as a mouthpiece to help remind me that - God's will - not My will needs to be done. In my limited human understanding I cannot always know what that is.
This past week has been no less stressful as Satan's winds seem to come from all sides when we are doing our best to follow God's counsel. I have found myself frustrated and hard in my heart. I have come to realize that when I am feeling this way it is much much harder for me to hear the whisperings of the spirit. This Sunday (yesterday) we had stake conference. Once again Sunday morning found me on my knees asking the Lord to soften my heart and send me a message in the messages spoken. The entire meeting was centered on Faith in God. The first talk was given my the 2nd counselor in the stake presidency. It was amazing. I ended up asking him for a copy of his talk and he emailed it to me. I have reread it today. Having faith that the Lord knows our needs - and that sincere faith comes when we continue to have faith even when God's plan is different then our own. I'm not at all sure where this will all lead. Another speaker (can't remember if it was the Stake president or his 1st counselor) said that when we experience trials that are not brought on us by our own sins then it is the Lord's way of strengthening and stretching us for greater blessings and trials. The first talk ended with a quote from Brigham Young which says "God never bestows upon his people, or upon an individual superior blessings without a sever trial to prove them". Thats amazing and scary all at the same time - I want the blessings which means I have to have faith through my trials.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
My wife and I ran into my old high school flame
And as I introduced them the past came back to me
And I couldn't help but think of the way things used to be
She was the one that I'd wanted for all times
And each night I'd spend prayin' that God would make her mine
And if he'd only grant me this wish I wished back then
I'd never ask for anything again
Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers
Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs
That just because he doesn't answer doesn't mean he don't care
Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers
She wasn't quite the angel that I remembered in my dreams
And I could tell that time had changed me
Inn her eyes too it seemed
We tried to talk about the old days
There wasn't much we could recall
I guess the Lord knows what he's doin' after all
And as she walked away and I looked at my wife
And then and there I thankedd the good Lord
For the gifts in my life
Some of God's greatest gifts are all too often unanswered...
Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers