Life these days

I think life will never cease to amaze me. Let me just say upfront that I think my life is incredible. I love it. I have many many blessings and know that I have much to be thankful for. Fathers Day was great - we had all 5 of Barry's kids with us - which with the way things have gone the last few months to have all of them was truly a miracle to us. We loved it! We made tinfoil dinners for Sunday dinner in honor of Barry and how much he enjoys camping. Hayden and Treyton also invited him on a "date" Friday night for dinner and a movie for just the 3 of them and the boys paid for all of it - so sweet. Savannah and I got up early on Sunday and made breakfast (something Barry usually does) - it was a good time. I hope Barry knows how very very much I appreciate him as the father in our family.
Ok here comes the other side - the life isn't quite perfect side. I have a firm belief that life is not supposed to be easy - that isn't what we came to this earth for. However I can't believe how frustrating it can be sometimes. I have been working at having faith recently. Working on a daily basis to apply the faith that I know my heart has and become willing to have my will be His will. To want what it is that God wants for me in my life and to believe with all my heart that it is the best. I do have a testimony of this. A strong and powerful testimony - so why do I waver? For the past 5-6 years this testimony has grown my leaps and bounds as I have seen the power of trusting God in my life. There have been so many times in my life that it is almost unbelievable how much I have been blessed. There have been times where I have felt like Ammon, Alma, and the other sons of Mosiah when I am "carried away" in the boasting of my Father in Heaven and in His power.
So then my question becomes - why - why do I still struggle with having faith in the Lord's plan. I know that He loves me - I know that He loves my children - even more then I do. I believe, trust, and have faith in that He knows what I need and has the power to create whatever that is in my life. Right now I have truly entrusted my children to His care. Sending them to Texas is so difficult for me. But this year (due to many circumstances beyond my control) it was especially difficult. It is hard when the Spirit directs you to do something that so many others are telling you is a bad idea. I'll be honest there are moments in life where I really haven't liked what the Lord's will was for me. There are times when I question where His plan is leading me. But as I look back over my life I see that no matter how hard - it is always worth it in the end - to follow His lead. So right now I am trying to do that - clinging to that rod of iron with all that I have - praying that the winds and chaffs that Satan sends my way will not blow me off course.
Heavenly Father does answer prayers.
Last weekend when my children were picked up Saturday afternoon to go to Texas was, like I have mentioned, particularly difficult for me. Whenever we stay with Bryan and Romina (Barry's brother) we go to church with them. They attend a spanish ward and so it is sometimes difficult because I can't understand what is being said. That Sunday morning as I knelt by my bed I reminded the Lord that it had been a hard weekend for me and I asked Him to touch my heart that I might be able to understand what was being said and that I would hear a message of comfort. Imagine my wonderful surprise when they announced in Sacrament Meeting that for the first time they had translation capability and they passed out headphones so that we could understand the talks! Wow! Each talk given was wonderful but the last given my a young missionary touched my soul. He talked of being born in Mexico but moving to Layton Utah as a young man. He talked of his long desire to serve a mission. He expressed his surprise, frustration, and disappointment that came with his call to Provo Utah just miles from his home. He talked of the difficulty of not only accepting but embracing God will and being willing to carry that out. He then expressed the that his mission had been in his life. He talked about how it the scriptures we are told that it is not God's plan but man's that is frustrated. I felt his words in my heart as much as I heard them in my ears. I knew the Lord was using him as a mouthpiece to help remind me that - God's will - not My will needs to be done. In my limited human understanding I cannot always know what that is.
This past week has been no less stressful as Satan's winds seem to come from all sides when we are doing our best to follow God's counsel. I have found myself frustrated and hard in my heart. I have come to realize that when I am feeling this way it is much much harder for me to hear the whisperings of the spirit. This Sunday (yesterday) we had stake conference. Once again Sunday morning found me on my knees asking the Lord to soften my heart and send me a message in the messages spoken. The entire meeting was centered on Faith in God. The first talk was given my the 2nd counselor in the stake presidency. It was amazing. I ended up asking him for a copy of his talk and he emailed it to me. I have reread it today. Having faith that the Lord knows our needs - and that sincere faith comes when we continue to have faith even when God's plan is different then our own. I'm not at all sure where this will all lead. Another speaker (can't remember if it was the Stake president or his 1st counselor) said that when we experience trials that are not brought on us by our own sins then it is the Lord's way of strengthening and stretching us for greater blessings and trials. The first talk ended with a quote from Brigham Young which says "God never bestows upon his people, or upon an individual superior blessings without a sever trial to prove them". Thats amazing and scary all at the same time - I want the blessings which means I have to have faith through my trials.