What a Difference a few Days Make

Last night I actually slept - it was so nice to wake up and realize it was almost morning. And Cassidy has slept also. They have come in and given her her meds but other then that she has slept and reported her pain at a 6 or even a 5. How wonderful to have it be something besides a 9 or a shouted 10, 10, 10. This little girl has been so amazing. She really is so so strong. This has been a hard thing. Sunday night they took her PCA - meaning she no longer had her little button that gave her morphine each time she needed it. They told me that if would be a hard night - boy was that about the biggest understatement of the year. I'm pretty sure that Sunday night made it on my chart of top ten hardest days of my life. They said they were transitioning her onto oral meds and they wanted to go with Oxycodone. Ok. So about 8pm they gave her the first dose and let her keep her PCA which she able to use some but was mostly sleeping. Keep in mind that I am not supposed to push that button for her and I didn't. Around 11 they came back in and gave her the next dose of Oxy. She took it and was asleep again - I don't think she used the PCA at all. A half hour later they took the PCA - while she was asleep. She got up maybe 30 or 45 minutes later and wanted her button. She was hurting. That was the last sleep we got until after 10am the next day. It seemed that not matter what they did she was hurting and hurting alot. She yelled and cried and screamed. She asked them to let her die. She wished that she had died. She yelled ow, ow, ow over and over again. I'm hurting she would say please give me something. They did of course all that they could. And I could do nothing. Finally about 5 they had given her all that they could for quite a while. I could hardly stand it - she was hurting and I couldn't help I began to cry. I had tried very hard to control my emotions around her because they had told us in the beginning that our anxieties transfer and worry them. I didn't want that but I couldn't help it anymore. She looked at me and said, Mommy are you crying? I told her no but she said "yes you are, I made you cry". I assured her that she was ok I was just having a hard time and I asked her if I could go for a walk. She told me no, and said please please don't leave me. In the saddest little voice you have ever heard. I assured her that I would not leave her and she asked again for something for the pain. I told her there was nothing else they could give her. She opened her eyes, looked at me and said "then I need a blessing". It only took about 10 minutes for the nurse to round up to male nurses with the priesthood. They laid their hands on her head and gave her a blessing. She was calm after that even thru all the pain and I was so grateful. So grateful for her faith in the priesthood and for two strangers who helped us in our time of need. So glad to be able to ask and have that request granted in such a short amount of time. Later that day her nurse apologized and said I should have been better prepared. She said the first 12 hours of oral pain meds are always like that - but I honestly can't describe to you how awful it was. It still makes my eyes well up with tears to think about it. Yesterday was our best day yet. For about 2 or 3 hours Cassidy was awake and talking - she even smiled and joked a little. It was so great to see her. We have had the most amazing nurses and I am so grateful for their patience and kindness to both Cassidy and I. I am so grateful for their trust in my and allowance of my help with her care. It has helped me so much to be able to participate and be included in this. I am so glad I am a nurse and can understand at least a part of what they are talking about. I hope we get to go home soon - and I hope things go well after we get there. So glad that Sunday night is over and things are starting to look up. They said that her chest tubes will most likely come out today - yeah we've heard that before but I am hoping that it is true. They said maybe even her little drains that they told us before might be up to two weeks. How awesome it would be to go home with no tubes. I sure miss my husband and will be so glad to be back in our own bed. I hope Cassidy has more of an appetite today. She can't go home untill she is eating and drinking better - keep praying for her.