Frustration

Ok so I need to vent a little.  I wish I knew what the future holds - not everything but just enough so I knew how things are going to be ok.  I have great faith in the priesthood.  While in the hospital Barry and I were both given blessings that said things about the accident say it would "be a blessing in our lives" and that it would "work for our highest good."  I have faith that those statements are true.  I just can't figure out how.  I can honestly say that I have scene blessings already - Savannah has decided to accept Rachel and they spend more time together, that has been great - something I've been praying for for over 5 years.  After the accident Barry and I had more time together then we have ever had and that was wonderful- especially if you minus out that we both hurt more then we have ever hurt during that time, but it was bonding time and I am grateful for it.  I was and continue to be so amazed at the amount of people who supported us - that is something I will never forget.  I think the accident will always be one of those things that happen in life that are defining moments.  Moments where you can never doubt again.  The idea that my loving Heavenly Father intervened for some reason and saved our lives is well honestly I don't even know how to describe how profoundly it has affected me. So why would I vent?  My poor husband is struggling so much.  He carries such a heavy load.  The bills are coming in and everyone wants a payment - and I know what you are going to say - just give them a payment if you pay something they can't send you to collection. Ok thats true to a certain extent and some are being great about the situation but there is just so much debt.  And it just keeps adding up - and even if we gave everyone $10 that would be like $500 or more a month and we just don't have it to give. There is not part of our life that has not been affected by the accident. 
Another stress I have is Barry's job.  Barry has a great job out at the site.  I pays great, has great insurance and and Barry has some pretty good friends there.  That being said the job also requires him to be on his feet all day on cement and lift 50 pound at least while doing so.  We have already had our primary care provider and our physical therapist tell us that going back to that job would be a mistake.  We have an appointment next month to visit the surgeon again.  The last statement he signed said that he might be able to go back to work part-time in June - well there are no part time jobs where he is at.  Plus even part time can't be good for him.  Apparently several people have told him he needs to go back to his job so he can support his family.  I can't even begin to tell you how upsetting this is for me.  If Barry can go back to his job well great but honestly is a paycheck worth his feet hurting for the rest of his life?  NO.  Noone else sees him when he gets up in the morning and can't -physically can't- walk without hanging on to the bed.  You don't see him when he gets ready for bed and he can hardly stand to be on his feet anylonger.  Seriously I get so frustrated because he already carries such a load of responsiblity for our family.  He wants to take care of us. He wants to be the provider - and I don't know how to respond to people who are in a well meaning way try to encourage him and only make it worse.  I love this man and seeing him in tears several days in a row is breaking my heart.  Not tears of physical pain although that is part of it but tears of being overwhelmed by the enormity of our situation.  He wants to fix it and he can't - we simply have to wait for Heavenly Father to work the plan that He has for us.  I know there is one- I just don't know what it is.  I love this picture because it demonstrates his love for me.  He would come sit in my room even while I slept - I love that he loves me!

Ok thats it  - thanks for letting me vent - I'll go back to work now. 

My amazing kids!!

Seriously - I am so blessed to have each and everyone of these children in my life.  I can't figure out how to move the pictures around like I want so I will just do my best to go in the order that they are in. 

     So first off is Stetson.  Stetson is a senior this year and will be 18 next week - what?!!  How did that happen?  When I met him he was a scrawny 12 year old.  He is such a great kid.  Some what of a typical teenager but really a great kid.  When I finally got out of the hospital all I really wanted was to go home.  Because we weren't quite ready to take care of each other we went to Sherry's (Barry's mom) it was so nice of her to set up a whole room for us - and we were finally in the same place.  One day I was especially homesick but the only available transportation was Bryce's(Barry's dad) pickup.  There was NO way I could get into that thing.  So this rough teenager picked me up and put me in the seat.  He then lifted me out once he had driven us to the house - just so I could spend some time at home.  I could not beleive how gently he was with me.  When he told me he could pick me up and put me in - I have to admit I was a little nervous.  But he lifted me like it was no big deal and wa so careful - I had been lifted by others and it always hurt but not at all with this boy.  I also have a text I saved when he told me he loved me!  Thats an accomplishment with any teenager but from my stepson that was really special for me.  I don't know if he really understand how much he has wrapped around my heart.

      Next up is Ammon.  Ammon is 12 and will be 13 in June.  He is growing up so fast.  I have been looking forward to his 12th birthday his whole life.  It is so great to see him passing the sacrament.  I love that my child has the priesthood.  Ammon is in 6th grade and very much looking forward to Jr. High.  He is always in a circle of friends.  He always has a hug for me always and I love it.  While he was living in Texas I had the other boys give me a hug for him - our nephew Matthew who is the same age as the boys was so sweet about it and never forgot to offer me a "mother hug" as he termed them.  He is a typical teen boy and his room shows it.  He is always taking a part something or dragging in sticks he has made into arrows. He and his friends like to play hunger games and just last night he and a couple other boys from his young men's group gathered together and "practiced their sword skills".  Personally I am way way glad to never have to go thru jr high again!  I am proud to be this boys mom though and love the stage of life he is in. 

     Next to Ammon is Treyton.  Treyton is also in the 6th grade and turned 12 this past December.  It is awesome to watch the 3 boys pass the sacrament at the same time.  Seriously I love the little pride I get in my heart when I see them.  I love it!  Treyton has been doing ballroom dance this year and he is seriously amazing at it.  He is always in motion and looks like a complete natural. One of the things that I love about Treyton is that he is always singing.  Its almost subconscious he has a great singing voice and great stage presence - I keep telling him to get into drama.  I enjoy having Treyton around the house - he is almost always willing to help with whatever needs to be done.

     Cassidy is 14 and loves to tell me she will be 16 next year.  I think she is growing up way too fast.  She has such cute style and knows how to fix herself up - something I'm not to sure I have ever learned.  She is a fantastic artist - seriously I'm not saying that simply as proud mom - she is really good.  She is currently taking 3D art and is making a paper mache baby dragon.  Her drawing of it was really cool and it is fun to see it starting to come together.  Cassidy is in 8th grade and will be starting high school in the fall - that seems insane to me.  It has been fun to seee her stealing clothes from my closet (except when I don't get it back!).  Cassidy has a strong testimony and really enjoys being in Young Women's - she is a good example to me.  I think your oldest child always holds a little place in a mothers heart.  She made me a mother - and fulfilled a wish that I had for my whole life.  Cassie is a good girl and I love being her mom. 

     Hayden - I love this boy.  Hayden is 13 and is in 7th grade.  He has severe dyslexia and I can't even imagine how hard school is for him and yet he almost never complains and loves school.  He is so positive and has the softest heart in the world.  I loved having him live with us last year and miss having him around.  He has a different since of humor that I truly enjoy.  Hayden is also taking ballroom dance and he so fun to watch because he (like me, you would almost think he was mine) lacks the cordination of his brother and its just fun.  On Sunday the three boys all sat at the bar and just gabbed with me while I made cookies - it was so fun.  I loved just visiting with them - it made my heart happy. I love them all so much.

Justin!  Justin is 16 and a sophmore in  high school.  A couple of months ago Justin cut his hair when he came to the house I could'nt beleive how much he looked like Barry in high school.  It seriously was like a mirror looking into the past.  It was so fun watching Justin at state this year.  Well it was fun watching Stetson and Justin.  Most of the time it doesn't even appear to be a struggle for him - he just pins his opponent and is done.  He took 2nd a state this year and I have no doubt that he will take 1st next year.  Justin is cute and I think he is completely aware of it!  Its fun to get sit and watch the interaction between Justin and Stetson - they are such brothers - I love them. 

Rachel is 10 and in the 4th grade.  If this child dosen't become a vetranarian I will be amazed.  She has loved animals her whole life.  Lately she is spending a lot of time at the neighbors house with their chickens.  Seriously she is so interested in the whole process of raising baby chicks.  She is learning new words and always has an update on the status of the eggs.  She loves our dog Lizzy and is usually the first one to volunteer for anything dog related: walks, feeding, getting her out of the kennel - oh wait I know one she doesn't raise her hand for - scooping the poop!  Rachel really is one of the sweetest children I know.  She is a champion for the underdog.  She was in a play over Christmas.  I almost missed it.  It was fun to watch her practice and learn her lines and become her character.  Then we had our accident and I was in the hospital for so long.  They let me go home and watch her play the last night it was on.  I sat and cried as I watched her and realized that very easily I shouldn't have been there to see it.  What fun it was to see her be the star of the show.  I love you Rachel.

Kerri will be 8 this month and is so excited to be baptized.  She is a smart little thing.  One of my favorite things about being a mother is watching my child learn to read.  I love having her sit beside me and read.  I love peeking in the bedroom at night and listening in on Rachel and Kerri read to each other.  Kerri is my baby and in some ways it is so sad to see her growing up.  Sometimes I get to see little of how our accident has affected her.  She always ALWAYS wants a hug and kiss before I go anywhere.  She wants me to promise her a kiss good night even if she is asleep when I go in her room.  She wants to go  back to dance in the fall and I can admit to being excited about that.  I love this little lady she is my friend.

Savannah iwill be 10 on Sunday and she is excted about that.  She like Rachel is in the 4th grade.  She loves her teacher and says that she is "my diary" and I tell her all my feelings.  What a blessing she is in Savannahs life.  Watching Savannah dance is such fun - she loves it! She loves being in front of the audience and having people watch her.  After her performance last week she came up to Barry and said "did you ever imagine you have such a beautiful daughter who danced like that?"  She loves being Barry's daughter.  I've seen a picture of her in my room at the hospital - the first time she saw me.  I was looking pretty bad at that point and the look on her face is just about the saddest thing I've ever seen.  I love it when she calls me "S-mom", I love having her in my life and getting to be a part of her life. I love our little dancing queen.

I love this pircture - 1 because it was our wedding day so that makes it awesome.  2- i love the faces on the kids you can see laot of personality especially the little ones.  3- Because I love these kids.  Believe me when I say that blending a family is hard.  Its hard in so many ways that I never imagined.  I also never imagined how very much I would grow to love these kids.  The have all worked their way into my heart and I love being there step-mom.  I know they have a mom who loves them and I have do desire to take her place in their lives but I love being a mother figure in their lives.  I look forward to grandkids - and visiting and all that stuff.  My heart is full of pride for each of them.  They make me happy - they make me want to be with them always - all of them. I love that because of the temple we can be together forever all of us.  All of their parents will have a part in their life.  I love you guys so so much.  Barry - thank you so much for  bringing such a gift to me - I love you!