Tuesday, May 22, 2012


Ok so I need to vent a little.  I wish I knew what the future holds - not everything but just enough so I knew how things are going to be ok.  I have great faith in the priesthood.  While in the hospital Barry and I were both given blessings that said things about the accident say it would "be a blessing in our lives" and that it would "work for our highest good."  I have faith that those statements are true.  I just can't figure out how.  I can honestly say that I have scene blessings already - Savannah has decided to accept Rachel and they spend more time together, that has been great - something I've been praying for for over 5 years.  After the accident Barry and I had more time together then we have ever had and that was wonderful- especially if you minus out that we both hurt more then we have ever hurt during that time, but it was bonding time and I am grateful for it.  I was and continue to be so amazed at the amount of people who supported us - that is something I will never forget.  I think the accident will always be one of those things that happen in life that are defining moments.  Moments where you can never doubt again.  The idea that my loving Heavenly Father intervened for some reason and saved our lives is well honestly I don't even know how to describe how profoundly it has affected me. So why would I vent?  My poor husband is struggling so much.  He carries such a heavy load.  The bills are coming in and everyone wants a payment - and I know what you are going to say - just give them a payment if you pay something they can't send you to collection. Ok thats true to a certain extent and some are being great about the situation but there is just so much debt.  And it just keeps adding up - and even if we gave everyone $10 that would be like $500 or more a month and we just don't have it to give. There is not part of our life that has not been affected by the accident. 
Another stress I have is Barry's job.  Barry has a great job out at the site.  I pays great, has great insurance and and Barry has some pretty good friends there.  That being said the job also requires him to be on his feet all day on cement and lift 50 pound at least while doing so.  We have already had our primary care provider and our physical therapist tell us that going back to that job would be a mistake.  We have an appointment next month to visit the surgeon again.  The last statement he signed said that he might be able to go back to work part-time in June - well there are no part time jobs where he is at.  Plus even part time can't be good for him.  Apparently several people have told him he needs to go back to his job so he can support his family.  I can't even begin to tell you how upsetting this is for me.  If Barry can go back to his job well great but honestly is a paycheck worth his feet hurting for the rest of his life?  NO.  Noone else sees him when he gets up in the morning and can't -physically can't- walk without hanging on to the bed.  You don't see him when he gets ready for bed and he can hardly stand to be on his feet anylonger.  Seriously I get so frustrated because he already carries such a load of responsiblity for our family.  He wants to take care of us. He wants to be the provider - and I don't know how to respond to people who are in a well meaning way try to encourage him and only make it worse.  I love this man and seeing him in tears several days in a row is breaking my heart.  Not tears of physical pain although that is part of it but tears of being overwhelmed by the enormity of our situation.  He wants to fix it and he can't - we simply have to wait for Heavenly Father to work the plan that He has for us.  I know there is one- I just don't know what it is.  I love this picture because it demonstrates his love for me.  He would come sit in my room even while I slept - I love that he loves me!
Ok thats it  - thanks for letting me vent - I'll go back to work now. 


Kat said...

One thing I've learned Karin is that people have well meaning things to say but often, they have no idea what they are talking about. It's easy to say someone needs to get going and make a living but they don't live in your house and see and feel what you see and feel. You have to ignore their comments and continue doing what feels right for you! I know you well enough to know that you are the kind of person that will allow God to lead you to the next best thing...He will but in His time. His time is rarely at the first sign of trouble, he likes to wait til the 11th hour darn it! The blessings will keep coming but sometimes you have to search hard to see them. Hang in there!!! I haven't commented much since your accident but I have kept my eye on you, admiring the grace and dignity you have, not to mention FAITH!!! I think the world of you!!! You can get through this!!

Lori Harris said...

Hang in there Karin. You guys are so inspiring to me. We just love you guys! Take care!