Overcoming my Fears

     While I was on the rehab floor at the hospital I was supposed to learn all sorts of things.  Things like getting myself dressed again or getting myself into or out of the tub.  I had to learn how to get into and out of the bath and all sorts of things like that.  One day as I struggled to learn to stand on one leg and swivel myself out of the bed and into my wheelchair the therapist commented that by biggest holdup was my fear of falling.  I said yeah because I think it would really hurt to fall.  I had imagined falling on my already broken body and feared what that might feel like.  I don't have any memory of the time during and after the accident.  Even though I was awake and aware enough to talk to those surrounding me and things like that I can't remember it.  I would imagine however that much of that time before surgery was quite painful.  Before the accident I had never broken a bone and thought of what that might feel like - I don't like pain.  I don't like hurting.  I don't want to cause myself pain.  So yes falling was a fear.  The therapists told me this was something I needed to overcome.  They said in all likely hood I would indeed fall at some point and I needed to know that I could take care of things if it happened.  In fact one day we spent over an hour working on that very thing.  They decided it would help if I knew what to do after I fell so they decided to let me learn to get myself up off the floor.  My therapist lowered me carefully to the floor - even carefully it was pretty painful. And then said figure out how to get up.  Keep in mind that my left leg was broken - 3 places in the pelvis, broken knee, broken tibia and fibula, and a broken ankle.  I had pins and plates and screws throughout my entire leg, including 8 screws in my knee alone.  I had a large brace holding my leg in position that went from my thigh to my ankle.  I had also broken my right femur and although it was supposed to be my strong leg I had recently learned that the reason I was unable to bear weight on it was because all the bones in my knee were very bruised and actually as painful as anything else - in fact I still have quite a bit of pain in that right knee.  Anyway to say the least attempting to get up off that floor was intimidating and painful.  We were out in the sitting area of the rehab floor.  So many people walked by and most stopped to watch for a few minutes and comment on what might or might not help.  Even the pain team came up (like 6 people) and talked to me about what I should try next.  It was a little bit unnerving to feel like you had to perform and live up to the expectations of all these people.
     At the risk of disappointing any of those people who may read this blog I was unable after more then an hour to get myself up off the floor.  I tried - and believe me I tried but was simply incapable of getting myself up.  I did figure out how to get across the floor - albeit slowly. I put my right leg over my left and used the plastic brace to slide across the floor.  The therapist commented that he had never seen anyone do that.  We tried and retried pulling myself up on the couch, the chair, the wheelchair, and even the end tables but to no avail.  I was so tired.  Eventually they sort of laughed and suggested that I keep my cellphone with me for if I fell at home.  Because of the nerve damage to my left leg and foot it is difficult to lift my foot correctly.  Which is actually better then it was when I first came home - at that point it might as well have been nailed to the floor. I can now lift it about 11/2 - 2 inches off the floor but don't have a whole lot of strength in that leg.  And really no strength at all in that foot.  I have a brace that I am supposed to wear which helps keep me from scuffing and tripping over my toes.  It slows me down though and I'm sure there is even some pride involved in not wearing it.  I have tripped over my toes on countless occasions - but haven't fallen.  Not long after we got out of our wheelchairs - that first week I think.  I was walking across the living room floor and tripped either on something left on the floor or my own foot I'm not sure.  You know that feeling when you trip and you do sort of a hoppy dance trying to to fall?  Well I was there and it scared me so so bad.  My heart was beating so hard.  A few hours later when Barry came home I started crying as I told him about it and my heart felt as if I was reliving that fear of falling.  I was surprised to realize how truly afraid of falling I really was.  Well like I said I have tripped numerous times and have learned to pay attention to walking - to be aware of my feet and what they are doing.  This is not generally a part of a persons day.  I think once we learn to walk its sort of like learning to drive a stick shift and at some point the movements become automatic and you just don't think about them anymore.  I have gotten pretty good at multi tasking and can pay attention to my walking while still carrying on as if I wasn't.
     Until today apparently.  I was in a hurry at work and was talking to my manager when I turned around to scurry down the hall and quickly found myself on my hands and knees on the floor.  It happened so fast I didn't even have time to think about it or stop myself.  It hurt my knees but mostly it scared me so much.  My heart was beating full speed and I could feel my eyes welling up with tears.  Like I said it did hurt, quite a bit actually and I could feel the inflammation and swelling all day but more then the physical pain was the fear.  I had actually fallen.  I'm not sure why I was so embarrassed everyone was so nice and my manager was super quick to help me up.  Everyone was asking if I was ok but I really just wanted to be by myself and not think about it.  After a while i was glad that that first time was over.  Now I don't have to be afraid.  Although I did have help getting up I have learned to get myself up off the floor.  I usually need to be close to something and use it to pull myself up and it is super awkward and way harder then I think it should be but I can do it.  So maybe I won't have to worry about it so much now.  I have fallen and I got up and I survived.  I was thinking that I have lots of fears that I need to overcome.  I have overcome other fears in my life.  Fear of divorce and being on my own, fear of returning to school, fear of getting remarried.  Fear of not doing well at my job fear at not being good enough - at anything.  But there are still so many. I have always been afraid.  Barry has helped me overcome many of my fears and taught me that a little bit of fear sometimes makes things more fun.  I love white water rafting but it scares the daylights out of me and I love it.  Maybe this will help me continue to learn to overcome my fears and be willing to try new things because so far I have survived everything I've tried!

Kerri Gets Baptized

Kerri and Grandma Rice - with the cute dress Grandma made her.

Kerri and Dr. Hopkin - just before baptism

Kerri and most of the men who helped confirm her - one or two had already snuck off!

Kerri and Barry

Kerri and me!!

Kerri Lois Rice turned 8 years old on May 21st.   She was baptized on the first Saturday of August.  I am so glad for this blessing.  I am so glad she is on the right path to eternity.  I love the blessings of baptism and have been thinking of them since this wonderful event.   I am grateful for the promises we are allowed to make at baptism and even more thankful for the promises made to us.  I pray that I can live worthy of the promises God makes to us. 

A New Calling

This morning I got a call asking me to meet with the bishop for just a few minutes before church.  I agreed and went to his office.  He has been periodically checking up on Barry and I and part of me assumed that this is what the meeting would be about.  In my heart though I feared that I was going to be released from my calling of teaching the 12 year old sunday school class.  Just the week before our accident I was called to serve in this calling.  I was so excited.  I love primary and I have spent my adult life fulfilling callings in primary.  In fact since becoming an adult I had only had one calling that was something other then in the primary organization and that was when I was a nanny in New York in 2004!  I have loved serving in the primary and have genuinely loved the callings I have had there.  I developed friendships with the women I served with that I will be forever thankful for.  When I received the call to teach the 12 year olds I was nervous but really excited.  I had been sustained but not yet set apart when our accident happened.  When the bishop came to see me in the hospital he told me that they were not releasing me but they had arranged for someone else to teach until I was well enough to do it myself.  That was the end of November and in the beginning of January I felt ready to teach my class. I was going to be Ammon and Treyton's teacher and Hayden had decided to come to the class also.  I loved it even more then I imagined I would and it quickly became one of my favorite callings.  Barry came and helped me teach due to the large size of the class - most Sunday's we had between 10-13 kids.  The 12 year olds have a different manual than other sunday school classes.  While most everyone is reading and studying the Book of Mormon this year they are learning from the book "The Blessings of Exaltation".  I have been amazed at the lessons taught in this manual - always things I needed way more then the kids in my class it seemed.  I have loved the young men and young women in my class.  They have taught me so much and I have felt the prayers they have offered in Barry and my behalf.  I love these guys so much. 
So this morning as I sat waiting for the bishop I knew in my heart that I would be released.  When the bishop confirmed that indeed I was being released I had to squeeze my eyes closed for a moment in order not to cry.  He then said they were asking me to be the Young Women's Secretary and I was so surprised.  I have not been in young women's since I was a young woman and of course I said yes to the call.  I was set apart today after Sacrament meeting and in the blessing I was told I need to "heed" the whisperings of the Holy Ghost and that the miracles that I have experienced in my life would be an inspiration to the girls and help them with their testimonies.  As sad as I am to leave my Sunday school class I am excited to be a part of young women's again.  It will be fun to serve with Cassidy and get to know the young girls in our ward.

Happy 5th Wedding Day!

Barry and I celebrated our 5th anniversary this past weekend.  It was so fun.  Honestly I can't believe we've been married for 5 years already.  Well let me rephrase that some days it seems like we've been married forever and other days it seems like hardly any time at all.  I've been thinking lately about our dating and engagement.  It was so easy to fall in love with him.  That first night we met it was so interesting to visit with him and see him as a dad.  I loved talking with him that night - we talked about so many things.  We sat and visited thru like 2 movies and I didn't end up going home until like 1am.  When Barry walked me out to my minivan we talked thru the window for like 20 more minutes - I hate to admit it but I really wanted him to kiss me!  I went home that night and prayed that if nothing was going to come of our meeting then i didn't want him to call me again.  I was happily surprised when he called me the  very next day!  I had not yet introduced anyone that I had dated to my children and only dated when the were with their dad for the weekend.  Barry wanted to come over that evening and I hesitated because my kids had come home - he reminded me that I had already met his children - so I welcomed him into my home.  I loved watching him with my kids.  That evening as I walked him to his car he turned and gave me the quickest kiss I have ever received and literally ran to his car.  Our sweet little neighbor grandma was outside of her apartment and she laughingly asked if that "young man and just kissed me" - I told her yes I thought he had.  The next day he came to see me at school to eat lunch with me.  I was taking a math class at the time and several people in our class just happened to wander by so they could see this guy I had been out with.  I had no idea till months later how much sleep he lost those first few weeks when he was working nights and trying to find time together.  I think we found at least a few moments everyday for a long time.  I loved that he wanted to see me as much as I wanted to see him. 
I was a student and was stressed over trying to keep up with homework  and he was so supportive of me.  He made me feel smart and capable and I appreciated that so much.  It was so nice it made such a difference in my confidence level.  I'm not sure I could have done it without him and his encouragement. 
I remember the first time he came to church with me.  He had suggested a couple of times that he might just show up one day. So the kids and I were sitting in Sacrament Meeting and I looked up to see this good-looking guy looking at me from the end of the bench - he had on a black leather jacket and I melted clear to my toes - he was so cute!  I loved being his girlfriend - I loved being his fiance and I love love love being his wife!  He makes me happy and I love spending time with him - whether it be out on a date, sitting by his side at church, spending time with our multiple children, or just snuggling on the couch watching "Lost" - I love this man with all my heart and can't wait for the next 5, 10, 50 years and all eternity.  I am excited for what our future holds and am anxious to find out what the Lord's plan for us is.  I love you Barry Holman!


July 21st 2007



Our crazy family

Thoughts, ponderings, questions,...

     I often wonder if I am doing what my Father in Heaven would like me to be doing.  I have learned and had to relearn that when my will is aligned with His will then things go better in my life.  That doesn't mean that life is easy or perfect when that happens it just seems that even when challenges come it is easier to deal with them.  The last few years when my kids get home from visiting their dad it seems they always have something to tell me that I struggle to know how to deal with.  A couple years ago it was Cassidy telling us that her dad told her she shouldn't get married in the temple and that having a goal to marry a return missionary is not good because it narrows her options too much.  For me that was difficult to respond to for several reasons. (and maybe herein lies my problem - perhaps I over think everything)  My first reaction was to just be irritated or even angry but you have to be careful how you react especially with teens and preteens so that they will be willing to ask the next time they have a question.  Also with divorce situations you are not supposed to "talk bad or negatively" about the other parent (man thats hard sometimes!).  Anyhow - one of Cassidy's questions at that time was "why" would her dad say something like that.  My answer to this was the only thing I could imagine and that if things continue how they are going her dad will not be able to be in attendance at the temple when she goes.  For me this was the only logical answer I could come up with - still not an acceptable comment in my opinion but that's not the point.  We also talked to her about her goal of marrying a return missionary - which in my opinion is a good one.   However we told her she shouldn't rule out someone who for one reason or another has not served a mission.  We talked to her about looking at the whole person and making an overall judgement after all serving a mission does not automatically make one a good husband and not serving does not equal a bad man.  We talked about looking at things like how he treats his mother and other women in his life, looking at his goals for the future, how he reacts to stressful situations, is he honest, does he honor his priesthood and other questions.  Hopefully when the time comes for Cass to get married she will look at the examples around her (both good and bad) and make a good choice for her future mate.  I am more amazed all the time at what an important and life altering decision that choice is. 
     Back to my current dilemma however.  This time on the way home Ammon was telling us that his dad told him it was ok to drink "a little" alcohol as long as you are responsible about it.  He said Jerry told him there isn't anything wrong with drinking as long as you don't drink too much.  Honestly it is so hard when stuff like this happens because for just a minute you just want to scream.  It's not that I never imagined I wouldn't have to deal with questions about the word of wisdom or the church being true I just never really thought the seeds of doubt would be planted by their father.  Barry and I talked  to him about how "just a little" can still be a bad thing - like you wouldn't want to drink a glass of water with "just a little" urine mixed in.  I'm sure in the beginning we sort of jumped on his case "just a little"!  Poor kid he was just asking or telling or something like that.  We talked to him about the word of wisdom and the promises that go along with it.  We told him that the lady that hit us had just "a little" alcohol in her system when she was tested.  Its true that she probably had quite a bit more at the time of the accident but even that little bit clouded her judgement. 
     It was a hard conversation to have with at 13 year old.  Especially because he has done nothing wrong.  I get so afraid sometimes.  Afraid of what the future holds.  I don't know how to deal with stuff like this.  I have considered talking to Jerry's mom and dad and maybe get some backup that way.  Not that I want them to talk to him - that won't do any good but just some support to let the kids know that this isn't just their mom - its also how their dad was raised.  I was reading in the Book of Mormon on the way home from Albuquerque in Alma chapter 24 and verse 30 jumped out at me.  (go ahead and say it I might just be the most judgemental person alive)
"And thus we can plainly discern, that after a people have been once enlightened by the Spirit of God, and have had great knowledge of things pertaining to righteousness, and then fallen away into sin and transgression, they become more hardened, and thus their state becomes worse than though they had never known these things."
I don't know how to bear testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel to my children and not appear to be trashing their dad.  When they are in Texas they go to church with Jerry and his wife Jamaica - they go to a christian church - very similar from what I can gather to the Calvary Chapel in Idaho Falls.  It is a good christian religion but are also quite anti-Mormon.  When the kids go there they hear good christian beliefs and also things that aren't true that go against the teachings of our church.  I struggle on some level because its not like I just decided one day to live this life and stand in condemnation of a life we lived.  This is the life we were supposed to teach our children together.  This is the life that Jerry was raised with.  This is the life that all the rest of his family leads.  This is the right way to live.  I have a strong and powerful testimony of the truthfulness of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  I have had experiences that have taught me beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is true.  Does that mean I don't have questions about life is sometimes the way it is? No Does it mean that I struggle to understand certain aspects of the Gospel that are way over my head? No Does it mean that i don't struggle and ask God for answers? No But I do know that the truths taught in the scriptures including the Book of Mormon are true.  I know that I get closer to my Heavenly Father by reading its words and i know it is true scripture.  I feel like the Book of Mormon is a part of me - a friend that I can turn to in all things.  I know that we are not supposed to judge.  I don't know how to deal with my ex-husband and the things that he teaches our children in his home.  I can't talk to him about it - I have been there and done that and it does no good - makes it worse in fact.  I don't know who to talk to about this.  Barry and I have gone round and round and still don't know the best thing to do.  I want to be a good example to my children.  I want them to grow up with strong testimonies and a desire to be happy.  I know that following the principles of the Gospel does not guarantee that we won't have trials or difficulties in life.  But I also know that they will make life better.  I was listening to a talk recently and it talked about how the end has already been decided.  Christ will reign and Satan will be defeated and bound for eternity.  The only thing that hasn't been decided is where we will be individually.  Whose side will we chose?  Satan knows that he canno win in the end but he also knows that he can take as many of us down with him as we allow.  I don't want what he offers.  I know which side I am choosing.  And yet is seems that little things get in the way and I don't know how to keep it from happening.  I have such angry feelings towards my ex-husband.  I have worked on this a great deal.  I have turned things over to the Lord on multiple occasions.  And I suppose this is what I need to do again.  I cannot control what happens in his home.  I cannot control what my children are exposed to - I can ask their Father in Heaven to watch over them and protect them at all times.  I can ask for His help everyday to  be the best parent I can be.  I can ask Him to tell me the words that I should say to my children.  I can ask Him to send peace and comfort to my soul.  Can I ask Him to convince Jerry of the error of his ways?  I don't know the answer to that.  Sometimes I just have to talk my way thru things and sometimes that means talking to myself - I doubt any of this even makes sense to anybody else.  But somehow I do feel better having talked thru it a little.