2 Little Letters

Three years ago in August 2005 I was a divorced, single mom trying to figure out how in the world I would ever be happy again. I prayed and prayed that I would do what was best for my family. Then my life began to change for the better. I was accepted into BYU-I and began an education in January of 2006 that I was sure I would fail at. I prayed that I would pass but didn't really believe that I was capable of college. I met Barry one semester into my schooling in June 2006 and life was already alot better. I prayed about him being the right one, almost everyday after we began dating. Each semester my classes got harder and each semester I was sure that this time it was more then I could do. Take Anatomy and Phsyiology for example, I got a little crazy and took it on a block which meant 8 credits in 8 weeks, what was I thinking? I'm pretty sure I got a blessing about once a week during this class. I continued to pray that I would be able to do school and that I would not be a disappointment to my family. Each semester as I managed to pass my classes and even have a good GPA I was sure it would not last. But somewhere my confidence began to grow just a little. Eventually, after more fasting and prayer, to my utter shock and amazement I was accepted into the nursing program in April 2007. The first semester was fairly stressful as they try to weed people out by cramming your schedule so full that it seemed impossible to get it all done. Everyday I was sure I would fail out of the program and have to start again somehow and everyday I would pray that woudn't happend. Each week as I sat in the testing center I would pray for help on the test and each time it came. On July 21 2007 dreams came true as I was sealed to Barry in the Idaho Falls temple and life was a whole lot better. That fall I returned to school and realized that comparatively speaking the first semester had been a piece of cake. I am not sure how my husband and family stood to be around me as my stress level continued to climb but everyone just kept loving me and supporting me. How wonderful it was to simply ask my husband for a blessing instead of having to call someone else. Those of you (and there are quite a few in this family) who have been through the nursing program understand what I mean when I say: tests every week, early morning clinicals, SCENARIO, (it should be a 4-letter word), skills day, did I mention tests? I prayed like I have never prayed in my life! Well anyway it all added up to the final semester when we were required to pass the ATI in order to have our transcripts released after graduation in order to take the mother of all tests the NCLEX. The stress and pressure leading up to this test was unbelievable and I never imagined that I could pass it. Once again I turned to my Father in Heaven and begged for his help and support, and once again my miracles continued and somehow I did. Graduation and Pinning were 2 unbelievable moments in July of 2008 that I never allowed myself to believe would actually happen. I really did try to have faith but there was so much fear that I was not capable of all that I was doing. I took some time off after that and just enjoyed spending time with my children. I attempted to study a little each day but it didn't always happen. As the time to take the NCLEX drew near my stress once again began to climb. My prayers once again turned to pleading. The day finally arrived Thursday the 18th of September 2008, I had to be at the Pearson Vue testing center at 7:30am in order to begin my 8am test on time. I went to Boise for the test in order to spend some time with my baby sister and her family. We arrived at the testing center at 7am just to be sure we wouldn't be late. We sat in the car making small talk, me trying desperately to put off the moment when I would actually have to walk in. We offered up a final prayer because that moment was actually here. I walked into the center and began the process. When I finally was sitting in front of the computer I thought I was either going to pass out or throw up one of the two, thankfully neither happened. And I returned to my habit of praying before I began a test. All the fear and anxiety I had built up over this test was nothing compared to what it actually was. It seemed as if every question was something that I did not know. The multiple multiples were the worst by far. I tried not to look at the numbers because this just caused my stress level to climb. I looked down during question number 53 and wondered how many more I would have to take. The next thing I knew the screen went blank and the test was done. Wait I thought, give me another chance! I left the center with the sinking feeling that I had failed. I was sure of it. I prayed and told Heavenly Father that I would do better the next time, I would study more, pray more, whatever it took. 48 hours later the website confirmed that my test results were available. Mary convinced me that it would be worth it to look. I couldn't do it so she did it for me. I did not believe her when she told me I had passed. It seemed impossible. But like the scriptures say, Nothing is impossible for the Lord. So now I just want to say thank you although those 2 little words don't seem adequate to say all that is in my heart to those (especially family) who have loved and supported me, believed in and had faith in me when I didn't believe in myself, encouraged me, built me up, prayed and fasted for me, smiled at me, watched my children for me, tutored me, teased me, and simply helped me to believe in myself. So thank you everybody without your prayers this would never have happened. Heavenly Father truly is amazing! I have prayed so many prayers that this day would happen and it actually did. I love you all and can never appreciate you enough,

Karin Holman RN