I never imagined

    The last few months have been strange.  Our life seems divided between before the accident and after the accident.  Normal life isn't quite the same normal as it was 7 months ago.  A few months ago (before the accident) my sister Bonnie wrote on facebook something about life not turning out quite the way she had planned.  She wasn't complaining per say just commenting that the life she had planned out for mentally herself  years earlier hasn't quite turned out like she thought.  Several people commented and agreed with her that theirs hadn't either.  I remember almost laughing to myself because my life sure hadn't either.  I never imagined I would marry outside of the temple(the first time around), I had hoped and planned for and prayed for a baby and still never imagined what a great experience being a mother would be.  I never imagined I would be divorced.  Never imagined I would go to college, let alone as a single mother of 4 without a job or any source of income other then child support (which didn't often come).  I never imagined that I would find myself enjoying school (at least some of the time - which I really never imagined), never imagined I would actually get good grades, never imagined I could get into nursing school, never imagined that I would graduate as a nurse.  Every semester I was certain that I would fail - every week  I would be certain that this would be it, this would be the test that kicked me out of the program.  I never imagined in a million years that I would pass the nursing boards.  Honestly when I walked out of the testing center in Boise that morning I was certain, I knew I had failed.  But hoped that if I took it enough times I would pass someday.  As I waited the 3 days to find out my result I tried to have a good time at my sister Mary's and put all that out of my mind.  I was out of school!  I had no homework and for a few days no real responsibility.  That morning I couldn't make myself look, I had Mary do it.  When she said I had passed I didn't beleive her I had to go look for myself and to my utter surprise and amazement I had passed.  What a great day.  Going back a couple of years I never in any dream would have believed anyone if they had told me I would someday marry Barry Holman.  When I was at a real low point after my divorce I asked my dad over mothers day weekend to give me a blessing.  I was so lonely - my dad promised me in the blessing that the Lord was preparing someone for me - I just needed to be patient.  As soon as the blessing was finished I asked my Dad how long he thought I would have to be patient - he laughed and said that wasn't being patient at all. 
     Little did I know that that same weekend Barry's family was fasting and praying for him to find a friend so he wouldn 't be so lonely after his divorce.  I certainly never imagined that we would meet or maybe remeet online thru a LDS dating site.  When I went to Barry's brother Ricks house to watch a movie with him and his children, that first night I never imagined that it would be so good.  I had such a good time.  We talked and talked thru two movies.  He made nacho chips with cheese for his kids and for me (I certainly never imagned what a staple that would turn out to be in our house! or that we would have a nacho cheese fountain at our wedding!!).  That very first night when I got home (at like 2am) I knelt down and prayed that if it wasn't meant to be that he simply woldn't call again.  It was so fun and felt so right - I honestly think somewhere I knew that we would be married one day - but I never imagined it would really happen.  Dating Barry was so much fun.  We really enjoyed being around each other and it was fun to hang out both with and without our combined 9 children.  I never imagined before dating Barry that I would be brave enough to climb to the top of a rock wall, or go snow boarding or fall off a rope swing into the water, or ride a dirt bike, or many other things he helped me learn to do.  I did imagine Barry proposing but never imagined it would be at Kelly Canyon on the ski lift.  He was so sweet and so romantic.  I love our engagement story - so much. As many times as I imagined what it might be like to be Barry's wife I never really imagined how great it would actually be.  True there have been rough spots that I never imagined, but it has been a really really good 5 years. 
     All my life I have had reoccuring dreams of a car accident.  In my dreams I would be traveling pretty fast and the brakes would stop working - I wouldn't be able to stop it and then I would put my foot out (like a flinestone car).  Of course it never worked and I always woke up before the impact happened.  Still never in my wildest imaginations could I have ever imagined our car crash.  About a week or so before the accident we had family pictures taken.  It was such a crazy day.  We had been trying to get family pictures done for a couple of months but it always seemed that somebody wouldn't be there.  And family pictures just aren't family pictures if all your kids aren't there.  Finally we had this Sunday afternoon planned and of course it started raining that morning. It rained and rained.  After church Barry and Britni (sis in law) were like,
"nope we are doing it rain or shine".  I truly didn't imagine that the day would go well, but it did.  We got up to St. Anthony where we were going to take the pictures and it stopped raining - we spent a good hour or more taking pictures and just as we finished it started raining again.  Our pictures turned out so much better then I could have imagined they would have.  I didn't get to see them until I was in the hospital and Britni made a little album for me.  I will have to post some pictures tomorrow.
     Anyway that morning when we left the house with Breanna I never would have imagined how that day would turn out.  The night before I made some yummy pies for the Thanksgiving dessert party my mom was hosting the evening of the 23rd.  I was so excited for it.  I love Thanksgiving and Christmas and the gathering of family.  I love it.  I never imagined when I left work of the evening of the 22nd that I wouldn't step into the office again for weeks.  If I had I would have left my desk a lot less of a mess!  And maybe told Andrea where a few things could be found.  I never imagined in the days before the crash when I was trying to figure out how to get Barry's kids to my family's party that none of us would be going because it would never happen.  I'm sure we never imagined when we left our house that morning that it would be more then a month before we lived there again.  I'm sure when we dropped Breanna off at the airport she never imagined that her next call from home would be to tell her about our crash. 
     I honestly don't remember anything about the accident.  I have foggy memories of leaving that morning.  I remember getting up (half asleep) when the alarm went off and pulling my favorite BYU Idaho sweat shirt on and slipping on some PJ pants (I think of Barry's).  I remember having talked with Breanna about her trip the night before.  I have a memory of trying to decide which lane we should be in to get to the airport and a strange memory of  the gate at the airport going up for us.  I remember getting to Judy's house and Judy laying Emma in the backseat.  And thats if for that entire morning. The next thing I remember is waking up in the ICU and having no idea why I was there. For weeks I actually assumed I had slept the entire way down and back (I often fall asleep in the car).  I finally said something to Barry about being asleep and he said no we had talked the entire way there and back.  We even walked with Breanna into the airport - I don't remember it at all.   I have foggy memories of being told I'm (sure over and over) that I had been in a car accident.  I remember thinking (I think) for days that it was a crazy dream.  I remember the kids coming to visit and how happy I was to see them.  Rachel had been sick and I was glad to hear she was feeling better.  Savannah was so sad - I didn't know that before the other little girls came in that they were told if they cried they would have to leave so they tried to act happy instead of sad.  We have a picture of Savannah the first time she came and her face is so so sad and red and swollen from crying.  I remember the first time they brought Barry into my room and being so glad that he was truly ok - I wasn't sure people were being honest with me about him.  I remember reaching out to to touch his hand as they wheeled his bed next to mine and it being a chore for them to get his bed in there.  I remember as I reached for him thinking "I hope it doesn't hurt my hand"  and I don't think it did.  I remember Dr. Hopkin coming in with his wife Candy and him helping my Dad give me a blessing.  They tell me that I apologized for not coming to work that morning and also telling them "I'm sorry but I don't think I will be there tomorrow either."  LOL I remember not being able to get the pain undercontrol and that I hurt more then I had ever hurt before.   I remember one night in the ICU having a male nurse.  I was supposed to have a bed bath and there must not have been a female nurse available to do it because I ended up being bathed by 3 male nurses.  I remember taking the rag that they had put on my forehead and pulling it down over my eyes - and telling them to do whatever they needed to do I would just pretend they weren't there.  I know that we spent 5 days in the ICU and that Barry had 3 and I had 4 major operations during that time.  I only remember one - the last one on Monday the 28th.  The one to repair my pelvis.  I remember going down to the operating room and without contacts not being able to clearly see anyone.  I remember the blurry lights going by in the hallway above me.  I remember getting in the OR and that Dr. West had told me that i would be lying on my stomach for the surgery.  For whatever reason I remember thinking that being turned over and laying on my broken legs upside down would really be painful.  Dr. West had promised that I would be asleep before they turned me over.  When we arrived in the room I remember reminding the Dr. that he said I wouldn't remember being turned over - several times.  I remember taking the oxygen mask off several times to remind him.  I honestly remember Dr. West carefully replacing the mask - looking right into my eyes and telling me "If you don't lay down and be a good girl we are going to call you dad in here to spank you"!  Seriously.  I also remember telling him, if he they were going to do that could they please spank me on the right side because the left would hurt way too much.  I'm sure they all laughed but the next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room.  I remember waking up and reminding myself - Karin you were in a car accident - it's ok - you are in the hospital.  I have a real hazy memory of the second surgery - I feel like I remember screaming and screaming. I don't know if that is a real memory or not I have been told it isn't but I didn't want that to happen again.  And I was so glad to wake up and finally wake up knowing where I was.   I have a few other memories of the time spent in ICU but not alot.  I remember a good share of the 3rd floor.  I remember them bringing Barry into my room on the 3rd floor before they took him away for surgery.  I was so glad to spend more then a few minutes with him.  All too soon the nurses came to take him away for his last surgery.  I was so sad and didn't want him to go.  I cried and cried and cried.  The nurses felt so bad that they rearranged other patients and moved us down the hall across the way from each other so we could see into each others rooms.  How sweet they were to me.  I really don't think they were quite as sweet or good to Barry as they were to me - but I really was well taken care of by both the doctors and my nurses.
     It is getting late and I wasn't planning on writing this long post but I think I will close for now and go to bed and finish it over the next few days.  Here are some pictures from the crash. 

Other Blog

I had completely forgotten that some sweet person had created this blog when Barry and I were in the hospital and would copy and paste facebook updates here.  I though instead of going back and trying to do a huge - this is our story about our accident - I would just send this one over.  It hasn't been updated in a while. But I thought even for future reference for myself it would be good.  I am working (ok I haven't started but I am thinking about) on a statement I have to read for the person who hit us when we go to court.  Its something called the "victim's impact statement"   - honestly I have no idea where to start.  If any of you have any ideas that could easily be written down I would love to hear them.  We are supposed to tell her how the accident has changed our lives.  Court is supposed to be next thursday and I seriously need all the help I can get.

http://www.bkholmandonation.blogspot.com/

Frustration

Ok so I need to vent a little.  I wish I knew what the future holds - not everything but just enough so I knew how things are going to be ok.  I have great faith in the priesthood.  While in the hospital Barry and I were both given blessings that said things about the accident say it would "be a blessing in our lives" and that it would "work for our highest good."  I have faith that those statements are true.  I just can't figure out how.  I can honestly say that I have scene blessings already - Savannah has decided to accept Rachel and they spend more time together, that has been great - something I've been praying for for over 5 years.  After the accident Barry and I had more time together then we have ever had and that was wonderful- especially if you minus out that we both hurt more then we have ever hurt during that time, but it was bonding time and I am grateful for it.  I was and continue to be so amazed at the amount of people who supported us - that is something I will never forget.  I think the accident will always be one of those things that happen in life that are defining moments.  Moments where you can never doubt again.  The idea that my loving Heavenly Father intervened for some reason and saved our lives is well honestly I don't even know how to describe how profoundly it has affected me. So why would I vent?  My poor husband is struggling so much.  He carries such a heavy load.  The bills are coming in and everyone wants a payment - and I know what you are going to say - just give them a payment if you pay something they can't send you to collection. Ok thats true to a certain extent and some are being great about the situation but there is just so much debt.  And it just keeps adding up - and even if we gave everyone $10 that would be like $500 or more a month and we just don't have it to give. There is not part of our life that has not been affected by the accident. 
Another stress I have is Barry's job.  Barry has a great job out at the site.  I pays great, has great insurance and and Barry has some pretty good friends there.  That being said the job also requires him to be on his feet all day on cement and lift 50 pound at least while doing so.  We have already had our primary care provider and our physical therapist tell us that going back to that job would be a mistake.  We have an appointment next month to visit the surgeon again.  The last statement he signed said that he might be able to go back to work part-time in June - well there are no part time jobs where he is at.  Plus even part time can't be good for him.  Apparently several people have told him he needs to go back to his job so he can support his family.  I can't even begin to tell you how upsetting this is for me.  If Barry can go back to his job well great but honestly is a paycheck worth his feet hurting for the rest of his life?  NO.  Noone else sees him when he gets up in the morning and can't -physically can't- walk without hanging on to the bed.  You don't see him when he gets ready for bed and he can hardly stand to be on his feet anylonger.  Seriously I get so frustrated because he already carries such a load of responsiblity for our family.  He wants to take care of us. He wants to be the provider - and I don't know how to respond to people who are in a well meaning way try to encourage him and only make it worse.  I love this man and seeing him in tears several days in a row is breaking my heart.  Not tears of physical pain although that is part of it but tears of being overwhelmed by the enormity of our situation.  He wants to fix it and he can't - we simply have to wait for Heavenly Father to work the plan that He has for us.  I know there is one- I just don't know what it is.  I love this picture because it demonstrates his love for me.  He would come sit in my room even while I slept - I love that he loves me!

Ok thats it  - thanks for letting me vent - I'll go back to work now. 

My amazing kids!!

Seriously - I am so blessed to have each and everyone of these children in my life.  I can't figure out how to move the pictures around like I want so I will just do my best to go in the order that they are in. 

     So first off is Stetson.  Stetson is a senior this year and will be 18 next week - what?!!  How did that happen?  When I met him he was a scrawny 12 year old.  He is such a great kid.  Some what of a typical teenager but really a great kid.  When I finally got out of the hospital all I really wanted was to go home.  Because we weren't quite ready to take care of each other we went to Sherry's (Barry's mom) it was so nice of her to set up a whole room for us - and we were finally in the same place.  One day I was especially homesick but the only available transportation was Bryce's(Barry's dad) pickup.  There was NO way I could get into that thing.  So this rough teenager picked me up and put me in the seat.  He then lifted me out once he had driven us to the house - just so I could spend some time at home.  I could not beleive how gently he was with me.  When he told me he could pick me up and put me in - I have to admit I was a little nervous.  But he lifted me like it was no big deal and wa so careful - I had been lifted by others and it always hurt but not at all with this boy.  I also have a text I saved when he told me he loved me!  Thats an accomplishment with any teenager but from my stepson that was really special for me.  I don't know if he really understand how much he has wrapped around my heart.

      Next up is Ammon.  Ammon is 12 and will be 13 in June.  He is growing up so fast.  I have been looking forward to his 12th birthday his whole life.  It is so great to see him passing the sacrament.  I love that my child has the priesthood.  Ammon is in 6th grade and very much looking forward to Jr. High.  He is always in a circle of friends.  He always has a hug for me always and I love it.  While he was living in Texas I had the other boys give me a hug for him - our nephew Matthew who is the same age as the boys was so sweet about it and never forgot to offer me a "mother hug" as he termed them.  He is a typical teen boy and his room shows it.  He is always taking a part something or dragging in sticks he has made into arrows. He and his friends like to play hunger games and just last night he and a couple other boys from his young men's group gathered together and "practiced their sword skills".  Personally I am way way glad to never have to go thru jr high again!  I am proud to be this boys mom though and love the stage of life he is in. 

     Next to Ammon is Treyton.  Treyton is also in the 6th grade and turned 12 this past December.  It is awesome to watch the 3 boys pass the sacrament at the same time.  Seriously I love the little pride I get in my heart when I see them.  I love it!  Treyton has been doing ballroom dance this year and he is seriously amazing at it.  He is always in motion and looks like a complete natural. One of the things that I love about Treyton is that he is always singing.  Its almost subconscious he has a great singing voice and great stage presence - I keep telling him to get into drama.  I enjoy having Treyton around the house - he is almost always willing to help with whatever needs to be done.

     Cassidy is 14 and loves to tell me she will be 16 next year.  I think she is growing up way too fast.  She has such cute style and knows how to fix herself up - something I'm not to sure I have ever learned.  She is a fantastic artist - seriously I'm not saying that simply as proud mom - she is really good.  She is currently taking 3D art and is making a paper mache baby dragon.  Her drawing of it was really cool and it is fun to see it starting to come together.  Cassidy is in 8th grade and will be starting high school in the fall - that seems insane to me.  It has been fun to seee her stealing clothes from my closet (except when I don't get it back!).  Cassidy has a strong testimony and really enjoys being in Young Women's - she is a good example to me.  I think your oldest child always holds a little place in a mothers heart.  She made me a mother - and fulfilled a wish that I had for my whole life.  Cassie is a good girl and I love being her mom. 

     Hayden - I love this boy.  Hayden is 13 and is in 7th grade.  He has severe dyslexia and I can't even imagine how hard school is for him and yet he almost never complains and loves school.  He is so positive and has the softest heart in the world.  I loved having him live with us last year and miss having him around.  He has a different since of humor that I truly enjoy.  Hayden is also taking ballroom dance and he so fun to watch because he (like me, you would almost think he was mine) lacks the cordination of his brother and its just fun.  On Sunday the three boys all sat at the bar and just gabbed with me while I made cookies - it was so fun.  I loved just visiting with them - it made my heart happy. I love them all so much.

Justin!  Justin is 16 and a sophmore in  high school.  A couple of months ago Justin cut his hair when he came to the house I could'nt beleive how much he looked like Barry in high school.  It seriously was like a mirror looking into the past.  It was so fun watching Justin at state this year.  Well it was fun watching Stetson and Justin.  Most of the time it doesn't even appear to be a struggle for him - he just pins his opponent and is done.  He took 2nd a state this year and I have no doubt that he will take 1st next year.  Justin is cute and I think he is completely aware of it!  Its fun to get sit and watch the interaction between Justin and Stetson - they are such brothers - I love them. 

Rachel is 10 and in the 4th grade.  If this child dosen't become a vetranarian I will be amazed.  She has loved animals her whole life.  Lately she is spending a lot of time at the neighbors house with their chickens.  Seriously she is so interested in the whole process of raising baby chicks.  She is learning new words and always has an update on the status of the eggs.  She loves our dog Lizzy and is usually the first one to volunteer for anything dog related: walks, feeding, getting her out of the kennel - oh wait I know one she doesn't raise her hand for - scooping the poop!  Rachel really is one of the sweetest children I know.  She is a champion for the underdog.  She was in a play over Christmas.  I almost missed it.  It was fun to watch her practice and learn her lines and become her character.  Then we had our accident and I was in the hospital for so long.  They let me go home and watch her play the last night it was on.  I sat and cried as I watched her and realized that very easily I shouldn't have been there to see it.  What fun it was to see her be the star of the show.  I love you Rachel.

Kerri will be 8 this month and is so excited to be baptized.  She is a smart little thing.  One of my favorite things about being a mother is watching my child learn to read.  I love having her sit beside me and read.  I love peeking in the bedroom at night and listening in on Rachel and Kerri read to each other.  Kerri is my baby and in some ways it is so sad to see her growing up.  Sometimes I get to see little of how our accident has affected her.  She always ALWAYS wants a hug and kiss before I go anywhere.  She wants me to promise her a kiss good night even if she is asleep when I go in her room.  She wants to go  back to dance in the fall and I can admit to being excited about that.  I love this little lady she is my friend.

Savannah iwill be 10 on Sunday and she is excted about that.  She like Rachel is in the 4th grade.  She loves her teacher and says that she is "my diary" and I tell her all my feelings.  What a blessing she is in Savannahs life.  Watching Savannah dance is such fun - she loves it! She loves being in front of the audience and having people watch her.  After her performance last week she came up to Barry and said "did you ever imagine you have such a beautiful daughter who danced like that?"  She loves being Barry's daughter.  I've seen a picture of her in my room at the hospital - the first time she saw me.  I was looking pretty bad at that point and the look on her face is just about the saddest thing I've ever seen.  I love it when she calls me "S-mom", I love having her in my life and getting to be a part of her life. I love our little dancing queen.

I love this pircture - 1 because it was our wedding day so that makes it awesome.  2- i love the faces on the kids you can see laot of personality especially the little ones.  3- Because I love these kids.  Believe me when I say that blending a family is hard.  Its hard in so many ways that I never imagined.  I also never imagined how very much I would grow to love these kids.  The have all worked their way into my heart and I love being there step-mom.  I know they have a mom who loves them and I have do desire to take her place in their lives but I love being a mother figure in their lives.  I look forward to grandkids - and visiting and all that stuff.  My heart is full of pride for each of them.  They make me happy - they make me want to be with them always - all of them. I love that because of the temple we can be together forever all of us.  All of their parents will have a part in their life.  I love you guys so so much.  Barry - thank you so much for  bringing such a gift to me - I love you!

I need more pictures

 I love this picture.  I don't have any memory at all of our accident.  I don't really even remember that morning before the accident happened.  It's funny to me what your brain can block.  I was so confused when I woke up in the hospital.  I hurt alot.  I didn't understand why I was there.  I thought I was dreaming - for days. I kept thinking I would wake up and tell Barry, "I just had the realest craziest dream ever."  But that still hasn't happened.  I love the first picture of us - not because either of us look great (I look terrible) but because of the feeling behind it.  I apparently (foggy memory for all of ICU) did not believe nurses, doctors, or friends, or family members that Barry was ok.  I needed to see him.  Having him come in the room made such a difference to me.  He was like the best antianxiety medicine in the whole world.  I have known for a long time that I am in love with Barry Layne Holman - but that feeling was so real at the hospital.  I loved him so much.  I needed his presence.  There were multiple times that him being in my room was the only way I could sleep.  I felt so bad that he would have to come out of his room to see me I knew that moving was painful for him but it was so good when he was with me.  Also I apparently (again no memory!) told EVERYONE who came into my room those first few days that I wanted to have his child.  That truly has been my hearts desire for a long time.  Lately however I feel very at peace with the family that we have. I am so blessed to still have them and have earthly experiences. 

I very possibly could be wrong about this but I believe this picture was taken after we were out of ICU and just before Barry had his final surgery.  I had just come from my own final surgery (my  broken pelvis) and the only one I remember at all.  I was so happy  to see him.  They only let him stay for about an hour before they had to take him to surgery.  They tell me that I cried and cried when he left.  The nurses felt so bad for us that they changed our rooms and let us be across the hall from each other so we could see the other.  That helped so much.  I can tell you that I did NOT like it when they closed his door. 

This isn't much of an update or the even close to being the whole story and i keep thinking I should work on writing about it before I forget things and even the part i don't remember!  I do know that I am so thankful to be alive today.  So thankful that I was privledged to keep my husband and be here for my children's earthly experiences.

I really don't have any more pictures then this - if any of you happen to have some please share them with us!  We would love to have more visible memories.